Saturday, October 04, 2003 :::
 
"Manic Days and Depressive Nights"



I am definately not a manic depressive. I don't think anyone who knows me would ever make such a claim.
However, this past week, I have been noticing a particular cyclical pattern to my depressive episodes.

All week, I have started out the day feeling great. While the sun is shining, I feel comfortable and on top of things. While I'm not suffering from mania, things are above average for me.

But as soon as the sun goes down and darkness spreads across the land, so does the depression grow within me. Every night I become filled with feelings of hopelessness and dispair. I feel things spiraling out of control.

I can't say why.

I've not been sleeping well.

speaking of, i'm tired now. i'll go lie down and pretend to sleep, and maybe if i'm lucky my make believe will be made real, but i'm not holding out hope.

::: posted by Matthew at 2:57 AM --



Friday, October 03, 2003 :::
 
Photos of Eliana I found today.





::: posted by Matthew at 11:30 PM --



Monday, September 29, 2003 :::
 
I can't sleep.

Mind on overdrive.

I have an important day tomorrow, and I need my rest. As of now, I have 4 hours till revele unless I skip my first class.
So, in an attempt to sleep, I'm going to write.


"My Secret Crush"


When I was in Israel, I have to admit I developed a bit of a crush on a girl there. I don't think I've ever spoken about this with anyone.

Her Name is Eliana.
She was born and raised in Uruguay, which for those of you who don't know (I certainly didn't) is a small country that lies between Brazil and Argentina. She speaks Spanish, Portuguese, English and Hebrew.
She is very cute. She has dark brown eyes, long dark brown hair, and a lighter complexion. She's thin, about 5'4" or so, and is rather athletic.
She isn't afraid to be herself. She doesn't mince words about anything, and more often that not knows what she's talking about. She was very easy to just sit and talk to.
She was all this, and she was 14 years old, and I had a crush on her.

Let me say right now, I am not a pedophile. I never touched her in an inappropriate way, nor did I make any move to do so. Nothing physical ever happened, and I would not have ever let anything like that happen.

She was a great friend to me. I'm sorry to say that I haven't kept in touch with her.

She is a shining star.
You know what I mean when I say shining star?
It's like Natalie Portman and Anna Paquin. How you can watch "The Professional" or "The Piano" and you can see in those girls something special. Something that shines brighter than most of hollywood combined. The way they speak with such confidence, their voice commanding so much more power than the lines convey. How their eyes glow and emit more emotion than Charlize Theron's entire film career has captured.
She is like that.
I know that great things will come of her one day if she lets it. And probably will anyway if she doesn't.


Eliana was one of the very few people in my life that I felt comfortable sitting around, hour after hour, doing nothing. Some of my best memories of Israel are sitting in the courtyard at 1 am braiding palm tree leaves and chatting about anything and everything with her.

I think she had a crush on me also. But I never asked and she never told.


But then again, it was just a crush and nothing more.
However, I do regret, in a general way, not being around to see the woman she will grow up to be.

::: posted by Matthew at 3:40 AM --