Saturday, May 24, 2003 :::
This is wrong on so many levels.
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posted by Matthew at 2:24 AM --
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posted by Matthew at 2:13 AM --
Once upon a time, Matthew was a happy boy without a concern in the world. True, he was probably shallow and didn't know pain hurting another could bring. Some may say that it was his youth that made him so. Others may lay the blame on his fortunate upbringing. But the truth may be more that he never truly knew loss and was afraid to find out.
Matthew grew up awkward and strange. He spoke with an impeded tongue and wore long curly locks befitting a small Parisian girl. He didn’t have many friends in his quiet suburban neighborhood. He was too sensitive and possibly too effeminate to hang out with the guys. He was raised in a feminine household and was brought along to several meetings discussing breastfeeding. It was difficult for Matthew to form associations in such circles.
When it was time to begin his schooling, Matthew was enrolled in a very small private school miles from his house. The limited class sizes made Matthew’s choices for friends rather limited. The few loose friendships he did form with the other outcasts lived a far drive away, making visitation extremely difficult. Matthew stayed in this school until 6th grade, at which point his class consisted of only five students.
In Matthew’s neighborhood, he had only one friend. This friendship consisted of mostly socializing during the summer since both boys went to different schools. Matthew was always the follower, trailing behind his friend in imaginary scenarios, video games, and the occasional hike through the wooded park. Since his friend was always the leader, Matthew always carried a feeling of being of lesser worth. That friend later went on to form a band and was very popular. The same cannot be said about Matthew.
Matthew was always a romantic. The first day of kindergarten, Matthew laid eyes on a pretty girl and was soon convinced he was in love. This silent crush lasted for three years until she transferred to public school. She was the first of many girls that Matthew convinced himself he was in love with. Perhaps Matthew, because he always felt alone, thought that he was less alone if he had someone to love, even if the other person didn’t know.
Matthew met his first serious girlfriend at an overnight lock-in when he was sixteen. By one AM, he gathered the courage to kiss her, and by three AM, his hand was beneath her bra. That morning, he told her that he would call her and then surprised her when he did.
It was less than two months before he told her he was falling in love with her, and less than six months before they lost their virginity to each other. It was about that time that she began acting differently, but Matthew didn’t notice.
Matthew convinced himself that he was in love with her, and he probably was to an extent. But he didn’t realize the level of obsession she had with him and their relationship. She began eating less and doing 500 crunches every night. He noticed this, but was swayed by her argument that she was just trying to be healthy. Unknowingly, Matthew was helping feed her mind with the he would like her more if she were skinnier and she would do anything to please him.
Shortly before they broke up, she confided in him that she had scratched her esophagus. After a little probing, it was revealed that the scratches were caused by her own fingernails.
The relationship lasted nearly two years, but it was less than honest. She would not share her thoughts or feelings with him for fear of scaring or upsetting him, and Matthew was too shallow to try to discuss anything important. There were very few moments of honest open communication between the two during the entire affair.
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posted by Matthew at 2:12 AM --
Tuesday, May 20, 2003 :::
Appearantly, I've been sleep-groping again.
Every night last week.
She says it's cute and funny and she doesn't mind, but it bothers me.
I wish I wouldn't. I wish I could controll it. I wish it made sense.
It makes me afraid to sleep near any person again.
She laughs, but she doesn't realize that talking about that reminds me of the past, and remembering the past still makes me depressed. Not so much depressed any more, but enough to put me in a down mood.
But that is not her fault. She shouldn't have to bear that cross.
As time goes by, I can laugh about it a little more. I've been asking questions about how it goes.
It seems that I seem to grope for about 10 seconds at a time. Then I just stop. Then I start groping again for about 10 seconds again then stop. Sometimes I grope over clothes. sometimes I go under the clothes.
I don't know what is wrong with me that makes me do it. I guess I'm a somnagroper.
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posted by Matthew at 12:06 AM --
Monday, May 19, 2003 :::
I found this on the internet this morning. It made me chuckle and reminded me of how much of a nerd I am.
Enjoy.
PS. For more files that may remind you of the past, or at least let you laugh at it, go to www.textfiles.com.
-------------------------------------------------------
#include "people.h"
#include "items.h"
#include "places.h"
#include "personalities.h"
procedure sexx( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems )
person *ListOfPeople;
item *ListOfItems;
{
person *PARTNER1 = ListOfPeople,
*PARTNER2 = ListOfPeople->nextVictim;
sexual position; /* sexual is, of course, a special type */
money wallet;
int i;
if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 1 ) {
if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE ) {
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, SexDoll ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, ArtificialT*ts, ArtificialP***y );
else
ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourHand );
} else { /* if it's a FEMALE */
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, Vi***tor ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, GoodVibrations );
else
ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourFinger );
}
} else if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 2 ) {
if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE && PARTNER2->sex == MALE ) {
printf("AIDS ALERT, AIDS ALERT\n");
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItem, Condoms ) == TRUE ) {
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1 ); /* 2 wants to be on the top */
} else {
printf("No glove no Love!?\n");
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); /* only once this time */
}
if ( PARTNER1->sex == FEMALE && PARTNER2->sex == FEMALE ) {
position = 69;
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2->tongue || PARTNER2->finger);
ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1->tongue || PARTNER1->finger);
} else {
/* Finally, some good, 'old fashioned' heterosexual sex. */
/* Also, (PARTNER1->sex == FEMALE) - "ladies first", right!? */
switch( PARTNER1->PersonalityType ) {
case NONE: goto( HOME ); /* She ran away, you're too ugly */
break;
case NUN: goto( HOME ); /* Might as well */
break;
case WHORE: wallet = wallet - $50;
/* Or whatever the going rate is these days? */
goto( MOTEL );
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case PRUDE: for(i=0; i < 10; i++ ) {
goto( DINNER );
wallet -= $50;
say("I Love you, dear");
give( GoodNightKiss );
} /* Wow, that was more expensive than the whore */
goto( YourPlace );
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break; /* break up and find someone better */
case CAUTIOUS:
goto( DINNER );
talk( PreviousSexLife );
lie( Haven'tHadSexFor2Years );
goto( YourPlace || MyPlace );
ENJOY?? ( PARTNER1, PARTNER2, WithGloveOn?? );
break;
case CONFUSED:
goto( DINNER );
say( "Lets just be friends" );
GetHerDrunk();
goto( YourPlace ); /* because she's too drunk */
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case MentallyDisturbed:
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
goto( MentalHospital );
LockHerUp();
ThrowAwayTheKeys();
break; /* and make sure she stays there */
case WildNkinky:
goto( RESTAURANT ); /* To eat, but not dinner */
Quickie( UnderTableInRestaurant );
Quickie( InTheCarInFrontOfThePoliceStation );
goto( YourPlace || MyPlace );
Quickie( OnTheRoof );
position = 70; /* guess what that is? */
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break; /* Exhausted, taking a break */
case DOMINATRESS:
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, WhipsNchains ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2->TiedUp );
else goto( HOME ); /* No pain, no gain!! */
break;
case ValleyGirl:
say( "OhMyGod, like I'm such a stud" );
/* Valley English?! */
say( "Lets go to my Bel Air Mansion" );
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case ENGINEER:
take( PARTNER1, Plastic surgeon );
take( PARTNER1, WeightLossClinic );
wallet -= $1000;
/* if the above somewhat improved her looks */
if ( PARTNER1->looks > 0 ) then
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
break;
case GlenCloseType:
case KathleenTurnerType: /* If have seen the War of the Roses */
RunLikeHell();
break; /* hopefully not your neck */
case NORMAL: printf("You are out of luck!!\n");
printf("A normal woman is an oxymoron\n");
break;
case OfTheMissingCase:
say("Give me a light, NO ... Bud Lite");
say("Tastes Great, Less filling...");
break;
default: ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); /* enjoy anyways */
printf("Anyone who has new cases, let me know\n");
printf("I am ccmax@eel.cs.ucla.edu \n");
}
}
} else /* when there are more than 2 people */
ORGY( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems );
}
funcktion ORGY( );
/* See "SEXX - programmers' guide" for more details */
#include "guide.c"
-------------------------------------------------------
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posted by Matthew at 11:31 AM --
