Sudden and fully engulfing rage.

For about 45 seconds today, I was literally blind with rage directed at a co-worker that I usually am fond of, for the most part.

Good thing the rage blindness prevented me from seeing the knife that a different co-worker was offering me. God knows that I wanted to use it.

This not-smoking thing is a fucking trip.

In a row. One after another.

Seriously. I’m going through SERIOUS mood swings.

I think it’s related to the quitting smoking thing.

Oh yeah. I’m quitting smoking. It’s been 7 days since my last full cigarrette and 2-3 days since I ingested any nicotine at all.

So far it’s going smoothly enough. There are times when I want to smoke, sure, but it’s no big deal. I can handle it. The worst cravings, though, come after I finish a big meal… especially lunch. I think it’s one of those psychological things that may never go away… not really.

Yeah. So I’m taking Chantix, which is a prescription drug that is helping me to not smoke no more.
I’m pretty sure the drug is also what is behind my dreams. It’s causing me to dream.

[Read previous posts about how I don't dream]

I don’t really like this whole dreaming thing. I never did. It’s no good. It is Satan pathway in to your mind.

Here is what I wrote in my ThoughtBlot (TM Pending) upon waking up today:

I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. What the fuck is up with that? Tonight I explored alien ruins, fought aliens, and my dog got a cell phone.
There was much more, but I’m already getting hazy
Oh. And I was at the nude beach too.

What sense does that make to you? To me, it’s some pretty sick fucked up shit. Seriously?!?! A dog with a cell phone?

I wake up disoriented and confused and unhappy when I dream.

But anyway… the mood swings.

(Aside: I should be in bed and asleep long before now)

Yeah. So I’ve had high highs and low low low lows this weekend. Friday was pretty good, but then again, I did end up drunk and have a horrible hang-over on Saturday. Saturday would have been a near perfect day if not for the hangover. I was, I think, truly happy and exuberant that I was alive. Sunday spiraled slowly from a feeling of almost invincibleness to a feeling of utter uselessness to being jolted suddenly to a state of pure hysterical laughter, followed by a cliff-dive in to unhappiness. Monday was a bad bad day.

But today… today was Tuesday. Not mind blowingly good… not too horribly bad.

God damn! This is some of the worst goddamn soft-core porn I’ve seen in my life. I totally need to change the channel, but that would delay me from finishing this and thus from going to bed.

I need to start thinking hard about what I really want out of this whole acting thing I’ve been doing. I honestly believe that I could be good at it. I’m supposedly going to be auditioned for a super-low-budget movie being made in town, but that would be pretty far off. I know a lot of people, suddenly, in the Austin improv comedy scene. I think I could be at least decent with that too. It all depends on how I want to focus my time.
I have thinking to do, but fortunately I don’t have to make a decision just as of yet.

But for now, for a little while at least, I am classless (in the no more acting class sort of way).

Maybe I should just start my improv troupe… I already have the perfect name. I’ll find some people and it will all work out. I think the 30 or so troupes in Austin are 1 too few.

We’ll see how it goes.

At least I should hopefully get my car back tomorrow.